My Dark Inner World & What I Learned About Unconditional Love

Posted on by Caylene

Have you ever heard of the “Dark Night of the Soul”? Let’s be real and admit that I have been undergoing a hugely dark part of myself in recent months. I have undergone an extremely revealing mental battle within my own inner world and spirit. It has led me into a dark world of regret, anxiety, and ultimately confusion.

In a previous post, I have mentioned that I have reached out to several people from my past and present to make amends, and this has served me well. Although it has not affected my current reality or friendships much yet, I still can’t help but notice the impact that facing “my shadow side” has had on ME.

To say it got dark would be an understatement. There is much about my past that I have kept to myself, and I think we all do that. But there have been moments, people, situations, that I have purposefully lied to myself about. And because of this self-deception, has made me keep my truth from other friends and relationships. Several years ago I lost a lot of people that were close to me because of the “truth” coming out, at least I’ll admit that I blamed myself for these losses. Although, I realize now through this emotional upheaval recently, that I was just as much the victim as the victor. In other words, I wasn’t just the bad guy. Not to the degree, I have kept up.

It was through this experience of losing my friends, that forced me to make a very important and deeply spiritual promise to myself: not to lie, cheat, or steal. And I have (in the outer world) held true to that promise. But on the inside, I have very much been stuck in these ways. I built myself a nice little black box around my mind and heart and carefully kept my inner thoughts to myself, often ignoring my intuition. Through the years I have very much tried to “make up for it” by helping others in my life. In a constant drain to anyone who needed help, assistance, guidance, love, a hug, a home. I have time and time again opened myself up to give, and have never thought to open my mind/heart box for anyone. I was drawn to be of complete service to my relationships, even my marriage.

It wasn’t until I started to awaken spiritually, and really ask myself who I was. I really started “looking in the mirror” and to be honest. I did not like what I saw, how could I? I was very lost in my own lies, and I had to first remember the lie to remember the truth. These things, once uncovered where not easy to look at, let alone turn to face.

I started to be more mindful about my environment, my inner and outer worlds (trying to find balance), and reviewing my “roles” in life such as being a mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc. Ask Vicky (of Crunchy Leaves and Sunsets (+), but several months ago, I was like, “Do I have split personalities V? WTF!” And she assured me in confidence, “No, we all have roles to play and the fact that your aware of these personalities is healthy. IF you put the right perspective into it and love yourself.”

I started to understand who I was by understanding who I wanted to be, and who I was trying to be for others. How I was and wasn’t being honest about what I wanted to do, be, or achieve at any moment. Let alone with my life path.

Musical Influence: In My Mind by Amanda Palmer

 

I have talked about how I’ve been “going back in time” in my mind, and cutting the cord and moving through emotional traumas as they occur. This process has been extremely unpleasant and overwhelming for me mentally. I know that it’s not “over” and that I have much more to learn. But I guess I wanted to reveal that I know how nutty and dark life has seemed, especially in my inner mental world. But what I also have found some extremely hopeful and loving memories that I know now that I can and will cherish and hold up in the light. Oh the Treasure I found in the dark, gross, corners of my life experiences.

I will forever cherish these. Now that I’m out of my dark box, I have to wonder if I have made the right choices? Done and said the right things that the right time? I only question this because I have yet to know all my answers. In time I know things will be revealed, people will come out of the dark and into the light. Open the box. I know that out of my own darkest nights, have revealed some of the good, Nay!, Greatest lessons. And in this way, I can only choose to cast light and love out to anyone who needs it. Sometimes though, you must wait to be approached, and as I said. I am patient. Yet, sometimes life makes you move too soon, and you can’t wait as long as you’d hoped to.

Padadu. Pandora. Pada-dont. It’s all so karmic I could choke. 

 

A dear friend, a wounded boy, I have always known and loved watches over me since his passing. And he reminds me constantly of these things:

Those who say they don’t need love – need nothing more than to be loved unconditionally. And that anyone who says they need a hug – need a lot more than just one hug. For those who speak out of turn, will never learn. And to those who do not ask, do not receive. If you ask, love and speak openly in the right moment at the right time, then all will be revealed when it is meant to be understood. Never sooner, never later. Those moments last forever and forever they will stay. And the song, “I remember you” by Skidrow (lyrics to above) starts to play in mind, as a forever reminder that Unconditional Love stands the test of Time and Distance — every time.

And no, I don’t know everything. But I know enough to ask.

When I asked myself truly, “Why did I have to lose this wounded boy? What did I learn?!”

I had to lose him so that I would know that love never “dies”. And that forever, in those moments of truth, promise, and unconditional love… There are No Expectations, and there are no Exceptions. Lessons that I would later need to Remember to get through this Dark Time. To be able to stand firmly in these remembrances in times of trial by fire. And it is in these Darkest of Nights, I know I was not alone and never was. Even in an empty house, “I’m all grown up and don’t scare easy no more!” (Musical Influence: Shakey Graves – Dearly Departed)

I know I always have at least 3 friends.

 

Why did I have to go through that terrible time?

So that I would one day reveal to myself my own truth, buried in time, distance, and deception. Only to unbury my truth and learn that unconditional love is real.

What is created cannot be destroyed, any more than what cannot be destroyed cannot be recreated.

It is what it is now. And I accept that! As I wait for the rest of my questions to someday unfold before me, simply because I have asked the right questions. I carry nothing but hope, faith, and light and love for all.

I just think I suck at the timing (still). Something I might never have control over. And thus, something I feel eventually I’ll be forgiven for, simply because of my patience and endurance. ? See how I choose my fate?

Why did some have to lose me rn? I can’t know for sure, but I have a feeling it was simply for them to remember that they never lost me. Timing is everything. Do me a favor and don’t miss me. But the second that you remember that you do, tell me. I’ll be here.

 

 

Resources for The Dark Night of the Soul Experience

The Dark Night of the Soul (PDF) – St. John of the Cross, 1994. – http://www.carmelitemonks.org/Vocation/DarkNight-StJohnoftheCross.pdf

A Shaman’s Guide To The Dark Night Of The Soul (Blog Post), Patrick John Coleman (2014). – https://medium.com/concrete-shamanism/a-shamans-guide-to-the-dark-night-of-the-soul-e9e699a6a787

18 Signs You’re Experiencing A Dark Night Of The Soul, Otherwise Known As an Existential Crisis (Blog Post), Brianna Wiest (April 2019) on ThoughtCatalog.com – https://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2017/02/18-signs-youre-going-through-whats-known-as-a-dark-night-of-the-soul/